Crimea Can Secede From Evil Soviets If They Choose To

Secession Movement in Crimea Must Deal With Slaves

Mandeville, LA – Exclusive Transcript –“ The United States is sending six more F-15 fighter jets, and one KC-135 refueling aircraft to Poland, according to the Pentagon yesterday.  Why are we sending these jets and then we’re also told we need to send the entire Sixth Fleet into the Black Sea?  To do what?  What are they going to do?  Crimea is a peninsula.  Remember that from geography class back in the fifth grade?”  Check out today’s transcript for the rest…

Begin Mike Church Show Transcript

Mike:  This story that I have here in my hand just does not comport with the international crisis that we are being told that American jets, FA-15s, must be transported into Poland to guard against.  I have that story in today’s Pile of Prep as well.  I said FA-15.  Please, fighter pilots, do not send me an email.  I’m going to correct it right now.  The United States is sending six more F-15 fighter jets, and one KC-135 refueling aircraft to Poland, according to the Pentagon yesterday.  Why are we sending these jets and then we’re also told we need to send the entire Sixth Fleet into the Black Sea?  To do what?  What are they going to do?  Crimea is a peninsula.  Remember that from geography class back in the fifth grade?  It’s a peninsula.  It is surrounded by water, connected to land, a peninsula.  We are told that Vlad the Impaler is rushing naval ships there.  He plans to launch ordnance into Crimea and kill.  Does he?  Or was Putin the only guy in the room the other day that was leaking out a little bit of what is actually going on?  I’m reading this.  This just happened.

[reading]

The Crimean Parliament has voted for the flashpoint region to become part of Russia, with a referendum on endorsing the move to be held later this month.

The parliament, which enjoys a degree of autonomy under current Ukrainian law . . .

[end reading]

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Mike:  Remember, we want democracy restored in the Ukraine and in Crimea because we’re Americans and we always want democracy to reign, unless it’s inconvenient for us.  So what are Mrs. Clinton, Mr. Obama, Secretary of State Kerry, Mike Rogers, and all the rest of the usual war hawk gang, what are they going to do with this news?

[reading]

The parliament, which enjoys a degree of autonomy under current Ukrainian law, voted 78-0 with eight abstentions in favor of holding the referendum and joining Russia.

[end reading]

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Mike:  Hey, decepticons and Obama, you need to get more CIA agents into Crimea so you can rig this election and make sure it goes our way.  I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

[reading]

Local voters will also be given the choice of deciding to remain part of Ukraine, but with enhanced local powers. [Mike: Sounds very democratic to me.]

In Moscow, a prominent member of Russia’s parliament, Sergei Mironov, said he has introduced a bill to simplify the procedure for Crimea to join Russia and it could be passed as soon as next week, the state news agency ITAR-Tass reported.

[end reading]

Mike:  Eric, this sounds very democratic to me.  Where am I wrong?

Eric:  Well, I guess they think the referendum to leave is unconstitutional according to the acting Ukrainian president because Ukraine has the right to the Crimean peninsula, therefore the right to —

Mike:  Wait a minute, so then Crimea is trying to do what?  It starts with an S, ends with an E.

Eric:  I’m not saying it.

Mike:  Come on, you, Mary Landrieu, say it, dammit.

Eric:  Maryland, my Maryland.

Mike:  Say it!  Say it!  Say it!

Eric:  They are attempting to secede.

Mike:  Yes, they are.  They are attempting to secede.  They can’t do that.  You know what we’ve got to find out here?  I said this on Tuesdays show and I was joking, but I’m not joking any longer.  There must then be some plantations and cotton farms on the Crimean peninsula.  There must then be also, on the plantations and cotton farms, slaves.  There must then be slave owners.  As a matter of fact, I bet if we go there and look, we can probably find the great, great, great, great grandson of John C. Calhoun hiding out there under the witness protection program with a new Crimean last name.

Eric:  Wouldn’t that be great if we went to the Crimean peninsula and there are just compounds and some Southern living, some houses with white columns and they all have southern accents?

Mike:  Wouldn’t it be hysterical if they just had a bunch of Crimeans sitting out on the peninsula watching other Crimeans pick cotton and they were sipping lemonade?  There are no racial distinctions there.  Since Chris Matthews and Rachel Maddow and most American university professors have declared secession to be illegal, it must therefore be illegal in Crimea, and it must therefore be illegal in the Ukraine.  Since the same people have also told us that the only people on Earth that have ever wanted to and have ever seceded have seceded so, A, they can protect their slaves and the ownership of human chattel, and B, so that the human chattel can be employed on plantations with the white columns that Eric just mentioned, and C, since the most popular crop grown on these plantations with the white columns that are owned by these slave owners who own the human chattel is cotton, if we could just transform all these things or just apply them to what’s going on in the Ukraine and on the Crimean peninsula.  It makes sense to me.

[reading]

Crimean Vice Premier Rustam Teemirgaliev said that the referendum would now be held March 16.

RIA reported that the referendum would consist of two questions. The first would ask whether voters wished to join Russia “as a subject of the [Russian Federation].” The second question would ask whether voters wished to remain a part of Ukraine but as an autonomous republic, as laid out in the country’s post-Soviet 1992 constitution.

At a news conference Thursday afternoon, Temirgaliev said, “From today, as Crimea is part of the Russian Federation, the only legal forces here are troops of the Russian Federation, and any troops of the third country will be considered to be armed groups with all the associated consequences.”

[end reading]

Mike:  In other words, Crimea is asserting its what, ladies and gentlemen?  I’ll give you a hint.  It starts with an S, ends with a Y.  Sovereignty.  They are saying that if you try to send Ukrainian troops in there, we’re going to treat them as though they are an invading force, and you don’t want that to happen.  So what is Crimeans actually doing here?  They are actually choosing their own forms of government.  Now, that’s the story we’re getting.  [mocking] “Mike, they’re communists.  Mike, Mike, what day is it?  Mike, Mike, what day is it?”  I can hear all of you out there now.

[reading]

News of the referendum came as leaders of European nations were arriving in Brussels for a summit on the ongoing crisis. British Prime Minister David Cameron told reporters the purpose of the summit was threefold: to begin talks between Russian and Ukrainian diplomats, to show Ukrainians that Europe would “help the Ukrainian people in their hour of need,” and send a “very clear message to Russia that what they are doing in unacceptable and will have consequences.”

[end reading]

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Mike:  Why is it unacceptable?  So it’s acceptable for Ukrainians to be rattling sabers and talking about invading Crimea because they’re claiming they have some constitutional right to it.  It is acceptable for the Ukrainians to be saying that they wish to alter their form of government by joining the European Union.  So these things are acceptable, but it’s not acceptable for the Crimeans to say that they wish to join the Russian Federation.  Why does anyone in the EU and Great Britain get to make that determination?  Isn’t that up to the people of Crimea to determine?  Even if I were to grudgingly grant that Crimea made a deal with the Ukrainians in the 1992 constitution and they’re supposed to be part of that country or that federation, that still does not negate the Crimean people’s right to self-determination.  Either you have it or you don’t.  If they’re asserting their authority, then they’re saying:  Yeah, we agree to it in 1992.  So what?  Get over it.  It’s a compact.  We’re done.  Adios, muchachos.  What’s the big deal?  Folks, you know what the big deal is.  The big deal is the Crimean peninsula sits on that giant body of water, meaning there are tons of commerce going through that peninsula.  This is not about political sovereignty.  At the end of the day, it’s what everything else is always about.  It’s about money.  In this case, it’s about money from natural gas and other products, I would theorize or I would deduce.

End Mike Church Show Transcript