How To Make Young, Southern, Gentlemen Of Our Boys On Prom Night

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Mandeville, LA – Exclusive Transcript – “Rule number two, your dates, our daughters, do not have hands.  Do you understand me?  All they have are nubs.  So they can’t open doors.  They can’t pull seats out to sit down.  They can’t serve themselves.  They can’t go get their own drinks.  They can’t do anything.  You, therefore, must do it.  I don’t want to receive any reports that any of these girls discovered hands somewhere in the middle of the night.  There are other reasons I don’t want them to have hands but nubs.  We’ll leave that until you’re a little older.”  Check out today’s Clip of The Day for the Audio & Video versions of this, to go!

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Begin Clip of The Day Transcript

Mike:  If you are a Facebook friend, not a Fan Page friend, I posted some photographs from my 17-year-old twin daughters’ first prom Saturday night.  The way we set the kids off in high, regal, junior league-style, gentlemen and debutante fashion was — I think the kids enjoyed it.  I think all the parents that were gathered together enjoyed it.  Just when you think that all is lost and all hope has vanished from the face of the earth, then you get together with some youths that you go: Okay, maybe there is just a smidge of hope.  That was my experience Saturday night as we served them all a Southern-style poolside sit-down dinner.  It was a really enjoyable experience.  What I wanted to relay to you was, people kept asking me: Mike, are you going to invite the boys over that are going to take your daughters to the prom and show them your shotgun collection?  I did not show them the shotgun collection; however, I did give the speech, and the guys just sat there and stared at me.  The girls, led by one particular young lady, my daughter included, gave me a round of applause.

Here’s what I told them.  I instructed them that you’re going to prom, with all these wonderful parents gathered here, with our daughters or our sons.  So that everyone has a good time, and so that we all appear at the end of the night to be the dapper and handsome young, Southern gentlemen that I take you to be right now, let’s go over a few ground rules.  They started snickering: Oh, we’re Southern gentlemen now?  Yes, you are in a tuxedo, your hair is combed for once, your shoes are shined for once.  Yes, you’re gentlemen just for the moment.  Act like it.  Sit up straight.  The first thing was: Guys, let me inform you something about your dates.  They’re beautiful and lovely and they are to be treated as beautiful and lovely and as dainty and as fragile as any fine crystal glass you will ever handle in your life, Gentleman’s rule number one.  Rule number two (actually Gentleman’s Rule # 61), your dates, our daughters, do not have hands.  Do you understand me?  All they have are nubs.  So they can’t open doors.  They can’t pull seats out to sit down.  They can’t serve themselves.  They can’t go get their own drinks.  They can’t do anything.  You, therefore, must do it.  I don’t want to receive any reports that any of these girls discovered hands somewhere in the middle of the night.  There are other reasons I don’t want them to have hands but nubs.  We’ll leave that until you’re a little older.

Rule number three, this is the key one here.  We covered the glass, we covered the hands, and then we covered dancing.  You’re going to a prom and you’re going to be doing a lot of dancing.  You’re going to be tempted by some less-than-gentlemanly characters that are going to be there to not act gentlemanly.  I want to instruct you on how you are going to dance with our daughters.  I want your hands, gentlemen, at seven and two all night long.  In other words, at 7 o’clock and 2 o’clock, not ever at six and six, not ever at the center of the clock face, always at seven and two.  Do we understand each other?  They’re like: Yes!  Then I said: Okay, have a good time.  The girls all thanked me and cheered and off they went to the prom.  You can see the pictures on the Facebook page if you want.  I might post them on the website.  Hopefully they all turn out good.  Eric, if I told you hands at seven and two, would you be able to divine through seven and two what that means?

Eric:  I think I have an idea what you mean.

Mike:  I did my part, folks.  I tried.  [mocking] “Mike, just give up on it.  Gentlemanly virtue and behavior is dead, you hear me?  It’s dead.”  Prom season is coming up for the rest of you.  In Louisiana we start school in early August so ours is early.  Many of you men may be afforded the same opportunity.  I hope that you will take advantage of it because future is genuinely at stake, it really is.

End Mike Church Show Transcript