Church Doctrine

Don’t Use Public Money To Buy Right Or Left Wing Fried Chicken Dinners

todayAugust 21, 2012 6

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Don’t Use Public Money To Buy Right Or Left Wing Fried Chicken Dinners
‘©2012 Mike Church

Louisiana’s one of a kind school voucher program is now in effect and judging by the howls of righteous indignation coming from the usual suspects on the left it must be working. Times Picayune columnist Jarvis deBerry informs us that “Public money is now being used to send children to private schools … and taxpayers deserve to know … that it isn’t merely funding a right-wing belief that the government can’t do anything better than the private sector.”

The flaw in DeBerry’s argument1 is in the lack of acknowledgement from whence came the “public funding”. To help solve that mystery let’s imagine that there is no Federal Leviathan and there is no hulking menace of a capitol on the banks of the Mississippi in Baton Rouge but there are 100,000 children in need of schoolin’.

The residents of the tax-free republic of Mandeville where 10,000 children live, decide to open Miss Maguilicutty’s prep school. They will need to fist buy some land, then build a schoolhouse on the land then hire teachers to serve as instructors. When the question is raised at a Mandeville town hall meeting by the Widow Jenkins of “who is going to pay for all this?” Jarvis DeBerry rises from his seat and says “no one, we will use public money.”

There is then silence in the room until Jimmy Dean asks “who is this ‘Public Money’ dude you are talking about?” Here we are now face to face with the folly of “public education”, will DeBerry be able to convince widows, singles, the barren and the elderly to consent to a tax to pay for Maguillicutty’s school?

The drama builds ‘til citizen Church rises to suggest that “maybe the people that want to send their kids to Maguillicutty’s should pay their own way?”  DeBerry leaps from his chair to insist “that everyone benefits from this public education!” The crowd seems to consider this as viable until Baron Copeland yells from the back of the room that “…everyone benefits from properly cooked fried chicken too!” and demands a vote on a chicken tax.

Both taxes fail but the school opens after making a deal to serve Copeland’s chicken for lunch and the “public” never had to surrender the fruits of their labor for services citizens should buy on their own and no one will spill ink or waste time fretting over whether their children ate a right or left wing for lunch at school today.



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Written by: ClintStroman

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